Raw is BOOM!: 12 Round 2- Reloaded

There are at least twelve things wrong with this title.  Today’s film is 12 Round 2 (ugh): Reloaded.  For the record, I don’t know how ‘Reloaded’ makes a damn bit of sense in this title.  I could see it if the title was a play on words involving a gun (e.c. 6 Shooter 2: Reloaded) […]

There are at least twelve things wrong with this title.  Today’s film is 12 Round 2 (ugh): Reloaded.  For the record, I don’t know how ‘Reloaded’ makes a damn bit of sense in this title.  I could see it if the title was a play on words involving a gun (e.c. 6 Shooter 2: Reloaded) or some sort of computer lingo (e.c. Trojan Horse 2: Reloaded).  In this film, the title refers to a ‘game’ that our hero is forced to play.  How the hell do you reload that?  Here’s something you’ll probably never hear me say again: maybe you should drop the number from your title.  It hurts my soul a bit, but there you go.  Let’s address another thing: WWE Films would barely exist without John Cena.  He starred in their first film (The Marine), starred in a few more (12 Rounds, Legendary, The Reunion) and you wouldn’t have a few more without him (The Marine 2, The Marine 3, 12 Rounds 2).  You could argue that they’d still have their *better* films without him too, I guess.  In Marine 2, now-unemployed WWE Star Ted DiBiase Jr was the lead, while The Miz took over in Marine 3.  However, the job wasn’t always his.  To make a long story short, Randy Orton does not have a good personal relationship with the U.S. Military due to his Service Record.  So when enough people complained, the 10-Time Champion was out and…The Miz was in.  Plan B: Orton can star in 12 Rounds 2 instead.  Do you care what the plot is?  Rather than waste any more time with information that 98% of you probably don’t care about, let’s dive right in…

In a rather cold open, our hero (Orton) tries to save the victims of a rather lax automobile accident.  He saves two guys from it, but the woman dies.

I say ‘rather lax’ since one car bumps into the other at about 15 MPH and the film cuts to Orton’s reaction.  When they cut back, one of the cars has flipped.  I haven’t had to ask this since Subspecies IV, but how the hell did this crash occur?

A Year Later, Orton is still working as an EMT.  At the end of his work day, him and his partner take a call to help a man with mysterious injuries.

Obviously, this is part of the bad guy’s plan.  My question: what was his plan if they DIDN’T take the call?  Did he have a spare proxy?

Since everyone else was doing it, this film rips off The Dark Knight.  In this case, it’s the old ‘Cell Phone in the stomach to trigger a bomb’ bit.  Joy.

This, naturally, is the set-up by a mysterious man to force Orton to play ’12 Rounds’ to save his girlfriend.

It’s the guy who’s wife was killed in the crash.  Everyone figured that out, right?  Okay, good.

This is a Direct-to-DVD film, so let’s throw in some boobs.  Okay, good.

This is the lady and her team investigating the crimes/events that occur due to Orton’s actions.  They add very little to the story, other than to pad the film out by having them revisit sets we just saw five minutes earlier.

It’s important to remember that Orton’s EMT is a normal guy.  He’s an every-man.  He…just Suplexed this guy on the hood of a car.  Okay.

Here’s another realistic moment for you.  When explosions go off, people start to fly backwards before they actually occur.  Gravity is a bitch.

Will Orton survive all 12 Rounds?  Will he catch the villain?  Will someone ever learn that naming a Bar ‘Karma’ is an accident waiting to happen?  To find out, watch the film.  The End.

Eh, I could give or take another Round.  It’s not bad.  It’s not all that good.  It’s…adequate.  12 Rounds 2 is nothing special, nor is it something especially-awful.  Like The Marine 3, it’s not all that bad or memorable.  Hell, The Marine 2 was surprisingly-complacent too.  Are John Cena sequels doomed to be so…middle-of the-road?  Well, for my sake, I sure hope not.  At least I can take solace that I beat Maynard to yet another WWE Films production.  I suppose I could talk about how the Acting is decent.  Granted- Orton can only manage to do ‘mad’ or ‘mildly-mad.’  There’s a scary bit in the beginning when he has to make *gasp* cute small talk with his wife.  That’s scarier than any Freddy-based Nightmare.  The biggest compliment I can give the film is that it does do some interesting riffs on the basic plot structure of 12 Rounds (which I won’t SPOIL).  There are two problems though.  One- they give up on the biggest one of them halfway, rendering my compliment kind of moot.  Second- this mildly-clever idea only seems that way if you’ve seen 12 Rounds (1).  I have, but I bet I could find a lot of you that haven’t.  The film grossed about $2 Million in Limited Theatrical Release and an estimated $25 Million in DVD/Blu-Ray sales, so it wasn’t exactly Avatar.  If you like Direct-to-DVD Action, you’ll like this.  If you’re looking for something unique, maybe avoid the Direct-to-DVD Sequel of a John Cena film.  Take us away, Def Comedy Jam EMT…

Next up, Billy Jack goes to the Old West.  Naturally, the plot involves Indians (and probably him building ANOTHER Indian School).  Stay tuned…

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